A clear conscience
by NancyMay
Summary: A one shot, quite long. Set after S4. Mei Lin is not coping well. Having second thoughts and pestering Lucien for help. Threatening Jean and Lucien's relationship. How will Jean and Lucien resolve the situation.


I stumbled across a short video of an outtake of TDBM (thank you Miss Nettles Wife), where, instead of putting his cases on the back seat of the car when he comes back from China Lucien puts his cases down and wraps his arms round Jean and starts to nuzzle her neck! Jean doesn't push him away and it would make a great scene in an episode. Calls of 'Cut!' and Jean mumbling something that appears to end in 'Dr Blake' ended the clip. The sound quality wasn't great. Follow that with a compilation video overplayed with Igor Oro's 'Maybe', and well, inspiration of a kind.

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She stood sheltering under an umbrella, far too late for Jean to be out in the cold and wet. Lucien was surprised to see her, given how they had parted a week ago He truly thought all hope of happiness had been thrown away by Mei Lin yet again asking him to come to her and sort out a problem.

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One week before:

Jean sorted out the post and sighed a resigned sigh at the airmail enveloped in Mei Lin's, now familiar, writing. Not another problem for Lucien. They were divorced for heaven's sake! It was getting very annoying, how on earth were she and Lucien to ever marry if she kept this up?

When she had left Ballarat Mei Lin had told him they should go their separate ways and a divorce had been obtained. He had made a settlement on her, enough to find a home and keep her comfortable. He had asked Jean to marry him, and she had said yes and they were looking forward to starting life together. But Mei Lin, it seemed had had second thoughts after the divorce had been granted. She started writing with problems she was unable to deal with herself. The first was sorted out with a phone call, even though she almost begged Lucien to go over to her. Then another, she was having trouble with the authorities over her status. So Lucien had to go over and stayed a week. Jean had said he must go, thinking it would be the end of it; but it wasn't. It was almost as if she knew whenever they were thinking of going to see about organising their wedding. Little things, but big enough for Lucien to be summoned to Hong Kong. They started to argue. She accused him of being a soft touch, he said she was being harsh. She asked him if he really wanted to marry her, he said he did, and kept telling her he loved her and wanted to be with her.

Now another one.

Lucien read the letter in his study, he could sense Jean's anger and frustration. Mei Lin had a way with words, a way to make him feel guilty and he hated it, but he couldn't ignore it. He went out to the living room, the sooner he spoke to Jean about it, the sooner they could deal with it. Except that he didn't want to deal with it. He wanted it to go away, go away so he could marry Jean and find happiness, because at the moment he was just plain miserable and so was Jean. That hurt the most, that Jean was unhappy, so unhappy he could hear her cry at night, and he knew he couldn't comfort her the way he should.

'Jean...' He stood in the doorway looking at her, she had a book on her lap, but she was just staring into space, knowing what he was about to say.

'You're going to her again.' He voice caught on the tears she was trying not to shed.

'She says she's ill, medical bills.' He spoke quietly.

'Do you believe her?' Jean didn't, not for a moment. She hated herself for the thoughts, but everything else had been a minor issue that Mei Lin could have seen to herself, she was a strong woman, she must be, she had survived a camp and the fall of Singapore, Jean refused to believe she was not able to stand on her own two feet. All these trips Lucien made were not good for their finances, and she had begun to make subtle economies.

'If I don't go I won't know. I'm surprised she is using it as an excuse, if it's not true.' He sighed heavily.

'Lucien.' Her voice rose, then she just sighed. 'Do what you want, you always do.' She left the room and went to prepare his and Charlie's meal.

As she cooked she got more and more angry, the tears flowed and she couldn't stop them. She plated up the meals and left them to keep warm in the oven,

'Your dinner is ready!' She called through the house, not bothering to go and find him, and stormed upstairs to be angry on her own.

Lucien heard her footsteps on the stairs and knew there was no point in going to talk to her. He had hurt her, again! This had to be the last time he went to see Mei Lin. He didn't eat the dinner, it would choke him. Clearing away his plate he went to pack. He'd made the calls he needed to, to arrange his flight, and a locum. He'd rung Matthew to ask him to get Alice to fill in for him.

'Mei Lin has asked me to go and help her with some medical bills.' When Matthew asked where he was going.

'Again?!' Matthew was almost as angry as Jean. Jean was his friend and he could see how much Blake was hurting her. 'Blake, you're a fool! She is only trying to come between you and Jean. Well, I wouldn't blame Jean if she wasn't here when you get back, you've done this too often.' Matthew slammed the phone down, he needed telling that Jean was on the verge of leaving. She's talked to Matthew the last time he'd gone. How she no longer believed there was anything for her. He'd persuaded her that Lucien did love her, just blinded by past loyalties and a deep sense of duty. Jean never stopped loving Lucien, which was why it broke her heart every time and why she stayed.

'I'll be back in a week, it's the last time, Jean I promise.' Lucien stood at the door, his case at his feet. He reached out to hold her but she backed away.

'I don't know if I'll be here.' Jean choked on her words.

'Jean, I love you.' He took a step forward.

'Do you?' Jean snapped. 'I don't think you do. If you did you wouldn't go. Every time you come back you tell me it was not an issue, it was all in her mind, or she had made it up to get you out there.' She was shouting now. 'You only care about yourself, you don't care about me, I wonder if you ever did. Well I'm tired of it, Lucien, I do love you, I think I always will, but I can't live like this. We should have been married by now.' She took the engagement ring off her finger and passed it to him, then she went up the stairs to her room.

Lucien stood and looked at the shining object in his hand, he slipped it into his waistcoat pocket and left the house.

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Hong Kong

The further away from Jean he got the sicker he felt. Life without her would not be worth living. This had to stop, Matthew was right he was going to lose her, and it was all his own stupid fault. Jean was wrong, he did love her had done for a long time and he would have to prove it as soon as he could. He would make sure Mei Lin was in good health and if not arrange her treatment. He needed to check her funds, it had been final settlement, she had no financial ties to him; so she should have enough for her medical bills. He felt the ring in his pocket, it had to go back on Jean's finger and he had to put it there.

The taxi pulled up outside Mei Lin's apartment block. He hadn't told her when he would be here, just that he would be. Climbing the stairs, he wouldn't use the elevator, he mused on what he was going to say to her. Standing outside her door he could hear faint laughter, it sounded like someone was enjoying themselves. Pity he wasn't, he thought. He knocked and waited. When Mei Lin opened the door his jaw dropped. Her hair was out of its pins, messy, but not attractive like Jean's, her blouse buttons were open and she held a glass in her hand. She was clearly tipsy.

'Lucien.' She grinned, 'you should have said you were coming.'

'Who is it?' A male voice from another room floated through, equally fuelled by alcohol, Lucien thought.

'My ex-husband.' She giggled back, 'isn't that nice?'

'Mei Lin.' Lucien's voice was clipped. 'you told me you were ill, needed help with your bills.'

'Did I?' She giggled again, it was not attractive, 'well, I'm all better now.'

Lucien pushed into the apartment just as a man staggered out of the living room. He was shirtless and waving a bottle of gin. 'Come and join us, old man.' He invited him in. Lucien studied the man. Aged about thirty, dark hair cut short, English by the sound of him. Joining them was not the first thing on Lucien's mind, he wanted to punch him senseless, and as for her, the only feeling he had was one of disgust.

Lucien turned to Mei Lin,

'This is the last time, Mei Lin.' He uttered, threatening. 'Do not write again, you will get no answer.'

Without a goodbye he picked up his suitcase and left the flat. She had played him and in doing so had probably wrecked his chances with Jean, forever.

Hailing a taxi he asked to be taken to his usual hotel, his room was already booked. He collected his room key and went straight there. He looked at the bed, he was bone tired, sickened to his core at what he had seen and desperate for Jean. It was too late to ring her and even if he did she likely as not wouldn't speak to him.

In times gone by he would have gone out and got himself blind drunk, but he didn't even want to do that. He removed his coat and hat, kicked off his shoes; mustn't put shoes on the bed; Jean wouldn't approve, and with that thought he lay down and sobbed like a child, Jean, his Jean. Why, oh why did he keep letting her down?

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The hazy sunlight cast its rays over his sleeping form. Still fully clothed from the day before, he stirred and rubbed his eyes. His sleep had been deep and surprisingly trouble free, just sweet images of Jean calling him home.

He showered and changed and resolved to sort out a few things. He would check Mei Lin's outgoings at the bank, she would get nothing more, but he needed to know what she was spending his money on. But first breakfast and a jewellers, and to send a telegram to Jean. He felt better for having a plan of action. The visit to the jewellers may well be too late, but he was going to try to show her how much he loved her. He knew Hong Kong quite well now and knew which jewellers he was going to. In a way he was glad she had given him the ring, it would come in useful. He had to do it today to be sure that what he wanted was ready for him leaving. Ah, there it was and in he stepped.

The jeweller was very helpful. Lucien had seen just what he wanted in the window, a sapphire and diamond eternity ring. Could it be made the same size as the ring he showed him.

'Sir, it will be an honour.' The jeweller bowed.

'I need it quite urgently.' Lucien replied in Mandarin, better to gain the jewellers respect, ' no later than two days. I know it is short notice and I apologise.'

'No matter, sir. The ring will be ready.'

'I am also looking for a wedding band. Plain gold, but I would like an inscription on the inside.' Lucien wrote down the words he wanted and silently prayed to a God he no longer believed in that Jean would still be there on his return.

'Also, we can do this.' The jeweller showed him a range of wedding rings and he chose one very slightly wider than the one she had worn before he had given her his mother's ring.

Lucien thanked the man and left, still praying.

His next call was the bank to see about Mei Lin's spending. She appeared to be spending rather a lot on drink, judging from her cheques, a couple of expensive evening dresses, her living expenses were being paid but Lucien could see that at the rate she was spending she would run out of funds sooner rather than later. He was not going to give her any more, the settlement had been agreed through their respective lawyers and that was final. He knew he would have doubts about her survival, but Jean and Matthew were right, she was playing him. It looked like she had new 'friends' anyway. He left with a clear conscience, at least he hoped he could come to believe it.

Now to send a telegram, his words would not be enough he knew, all he really had was a faint hope.

'Jean, ML not ill stop Coming home stop Please be there stop Love always L stop.' Not much, not even enough, but declarations of undying love were not for telegrams.

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Ballarat

Matthew had called round to see how Jean was. Charlie had said he was deeply worried, he wasn't sure she was eating, she cried all the time, snapped, threw things if he so much as asked how she was.

He tried so hard to hide his horror at the sight of her. Eyes puffy from crying, nose red. She hadn't combed her hair and was still in her nightwear and robe at ten o'clock in the morning. No wonder it had taken so long for her to answer the door.

They went into the kitchen where he made tea.

'Jean.' Matthew's voice was soft, which only made the tears start again. 'We both know he's an idiot, a deeply loyal idiot, but an idiot all the same.' He paused to look for a reaction.

'Matthew, I don't think I can take anymore. Maybe I was foolish to think I could have a second go at life, at marriage. The trouble is I can't un-love him.' She wiped her tears and blew her nose, 'I...' There was a knock at the door, Matthew went to answer it.

The boy handed him a telegram, '...for Mrs Jean Beazley.'

Matthew handed him two pennies, 'Thank you, I'll take it.'

Back in the kitchen Jean was sipping her tea, he handed her the paper.

'You open it.' She didn't want to see, in case she was disappointed.

'Jean ML not ill. Coming home. Please be there. Love always. L.' He looked at her, deep in thought.

'What does he usually say?' Maybe this one was different.

'Coming home, and the bus he'll be on.' They were always the same, this one was different, 'Love always.' Was not what he usually said.

'What do you want to do?' Matthew squeezed her shoulder.

'Not sure.' She sniffed, 'I've got two days to think about it, I'll decide then.'

'Alice says her spare room is available if you want it.' Matthew passed on Alice's offer in case she decided to leave.

'Not yours this time, then.' Jean almost smiled, he'd offered in the past when things had been difficult during the divorce.

'Some might say, out of the frying pan into the fire, if you go to another single man.' Matthew was glad to see a spark appear, maybe, just maybe the fool would get it right this time. And if he didn't...there were plenty in the station that were more than willing to defend Jean.

'Hmm.' She straightened. 'Well I'd better get ready for this afternoon's surgery. thank you, Matthew, for being my friend.' She leant over and kissed his cheek.

'Always, Jean.' He returned the kiss and left the house feeling more positive about her state of mind.

The next two days passed in a blur for Jean. She kept the telegram next to her bed just to reassure herself that he was coming home. She wondered what Mei Lin had done, why he had sent his love in a telegram. So she decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. She cleaned and tidied his room, changing the bed that she had left unmade since his departure. Charlie was pleased to have his meals with her again and to see her brighter, the tears gone. He didn't even hear them at night.

She knew which bus he would be on, he was a creature of habit, he always told her not to meet him, it was too late, but every time she had been there and she would be there this time.

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Hong Kong

Lucien returned to the jewellers to collect the rings. The engagement ring had been put into a replacement box, the eternity ring in another, and two wedding rings in yet another. The inscription was just as he'd asked for, that would be hers. The other would be his, he'd never worn one before and thought that if he was prepared to wear one for her it would further prove he was never going to leave her again. No more visits to an errant ex-wife, ever!

He sat on the plane a bag of nerves. He was still not sure she would be there this time. All he had was hope.

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Australia

The bus journey was just as bad. By the time he got to the outskirts of Ballarat he felt sick with nerves.

The bus pulled in. It was dark, it was raining, maybe this time she would have stayed at home as he so often told her to. He hardly dared look...but no!

There she was, sheltering under an umbrella, shivering with cold. She turned towards the bus, not moving, he stood looking at her, time seemed to slow down then she took one step, the one step he needed her to take.

Suddenly he was there lifting her off her feet kissing her anywhere he could find skin and she responded in kind until their lips met and they kissed. A long, deep passionate kiss as the rain poured over them, soaking her curls, splashing up the legs of his trousers. They pulled apart and laughed, laughed for the first time for so long. Oblivious to the looks other passengers were giving them they kissed again and she almost melted against him.

'Hello.' Such a simple word, but it spoke volumes to him.

'Good evening.' Was his reply, formal but with a hint of amusement. 'Shall we go home?'

'Lets.' She took his hand and they got into the car.

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She had asked Charlie if he would mind changing his shift so he was out of the house that night. Not sure whether they would row or love she wanted him to see neither. The house was quiet, warm and dark when they entered.

Lucien put his hat and coat on the peg and took Jean's wet coat off her. She ran her hands through her wet curls, sprinkling the rain onto the floor.

'You'll catch a chill.' He said, his care evident.

'Rubbish.' She countered. She'd been soaked many times before , on the farm, caught in a shower on the way home from town, she'd never caught a chill before, there was no reason for her to do so now. He looked at her, much as one would look at a child when they argued back.

'Alright, I'll go and change, but only if you do too.' She smiled, 'you're soaked as well.'

In each of their rooms they had the same thought, 'that went well.' They met in the kitchen. Lucien was seconds after Jean and she was already putting the kettle on to boil for tea.

'Jean.' Lucien stood there, not quite sure what he should do. 'I'm sorry, you were right.'

She turned and smiled that enigmatic smile he loved and had dreamed of in his room in Hong Kong.

'Your telegram, it was different.' She knew she had to tell him the truth. 'Matthew was here, he read it to me. I was on the point of leaving, I didn't know where I would go, but before it came I was almost ready to pack.'

His face fell, but he knew it was inevitable, then.

'And now?' He spoke softly, almost a whisper.

'You asked me to be here, 'love always' you said. You never say that.' she quoted the message.

'I had to give you a reason to at least wait, wait until I could tell you what I found.' He was embarrassed that he had been played, as she had said, as Matthew had said, but he couldn't see through it.

'You don't have to tell me, if you don't want to.' she really didn't want to hear what she felt she already knew, not the details just that she had been right, which she hated.

'I want to. I want you to know I will never see her again, and why.' He studied his hands, noticing for the first time he had been chewing his nails. 'I went to her flat. She was there, half dressed, drunk, with a man, younger than her, quite a bit. She wanted to humiliate me.'

'Did she?' It was a harsh question, she thought, but had Mei Lin achieved her goal.

He looked at her and realised the truth.

'What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, Jean. No she didn't. She hurt me, yes, but no she didn't humiliate me, she made me see what she is, cold and calculating. Not the woman I remember, but maybe, just maybe she is the woman I married and I didn't see that until this week.' He sighed.

Jean reached over the table and took his hand,

'She deceived you with Derek, that we do know, and I'm sorry, Lucien.' She looked at him, how many other ways had Mei Lin deceived him, she didn't want to know, 'but I will never do that to you, as long as you are true to me.'

'Oh Jean, I love you, I'm a fool but I hope I'm a fool you can love.' A tear rolled down his cheek.

She moved round to his side of the table and put her arms over his shoulder and kissed the top of his head. 'Of course I love you, you silly man.'

He looked up, hopeful. Out of his dressing gown pocket he pulled the ring box that held her engagement ring. He passed it to her.

'Only if you believe in me, Jean.'

She opened it and smiled. Polished and sparkling it invited her to put it on. Taking a deep breath she took it and turned it in the lamp light, admiring the cut and the setting. She slipped it back onto her naked finger and help out her hand to admire it. She slipped her arms round his neck and kissed him.

'Jean, I want you to wear this one, too. I know it's not usual but I hope it shows just how much I care for you.' He opened the box containing the eternity ring and she gasped.

'Lucien.' She was lost for words.

'I know, we should be married before I give you this but I was hoping you would see just how much you mean to me with this ring.' He looked up, had he got it right? Did she understand?

She kissed him again, 'Thank you.'

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At last she was to be married. They had arranged a date for a civil wedding, arranged a honeymoon, although she insisted just a short break would be fine. He vowed that at some point he would take her to Europe, but not the far east. She had just smiled.

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She took off her engagement ring before she got ready for bed. The wedding ring was all she needed for that night. It fitted rather well, she thought, he had made use of the engagement ring while out in Hong Kong, hope over adversity, he had said, but, he had said, if she got the chance, to look inside the ring. So she did, before she joined him in bed, for the first time, the time she had waited so long for but at the same time was somewhat apprehensive about.

Pulling the ring off she squinted in the bathroom light, she could just make out the inscription, 'forever yours.'

'Silly old fool.' She whispered, wiping away a tear and slipping the ring back onto her finger. She walked into the hotel bedroom,

'Ah, there you are.' He smiled and help out his arms to her.

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So there we are. I never liked the Mei Lin angle and always wanted her to be the wicked one, letting go too easily, I thought. So from a video clip that made me giggle here we are. Reviews and comments welcome, as always.


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